Feelings...

It’s been a long time since my last post. I’ve had a lot of bumps along this road of life since my last entry, but as with all other things in my life, even the trials can ultimately be edifying. Where to begin? Well, in the last several months I’ve been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. There have been good days and bad; affected by work, family, friends, health, finances, relationships; you name it, I’ve probably thought it and then felt it. Feelings: I think that’s more than just a catchy song title. I notice more and more that, at times, I live my life based on them. Do I do so to the point of foregoing all rationality or even faith? Maybe sometimes; maybe even often. I consider myself a mostly rational and faithful person. I am human, and therefore vastly flawed, but overall, I don’t think I live by the seat of my pants or go whichever way the wind is blowing. Quite the contrary; by nature I am a “planner.” This is my new revelation, that I am not a “control freak,” but a “planner.” Maybe this is just a more politically correct word I use to allow myself some compulsion, I’m not entirely sure. I do know that I don’t want to control others, at least not most of the time. J I mean, we all have our moments in which we want someone to “behave” by the shear force of our own will, but for me it rarely goes beyond that. I feel no desire to manipulate or cajole others into conforming to meet my needs. But I find that there are times that I feel that if I didn’t “shout” no one would ever “hear” me. Maybe this is because everyone is wrapped up in their own world, much as I am in mine, but something tells me that it’s not because of the selfishness of others that my “needs” are not met, but because there is something fundamentally lacking within me. Something that does not allow me to be “heard” in a meaningful way. Something that does not allow others in; does not allow them to know me as I want to be known. I have a deep longing to be understood by others; everyone really, but I have to confess that lately it just relates to that “special someone.” I recently turned 26, and though this is by no means old, I am experiencing a growing discomfort with where I am in my life. What I have accomplished and not. Where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Where others are or were at this point in their lives. Where have I been, where am I going? Am I on the right path? Did I take a devastatingly wrong turn somewhere? Why am I so uneasy? Truly, I have nothing monumental to complain about. I have a good job, loving family and friends, a roof over my head and food in my stomach; so why do I “feel” that something is missing? I used to have a more intense discomfort, before I renewed my relationship with the Lord, and I must confess that at times I feel that I am just going through the motions with Him, which is not a good place to be. Maybe this is the whole source of my discomfort. Maybe I am looking in earthly realms for something to satiate a purely spiritual need. I “know” that all I really “need” is Him, and that He’s all I should want, but my earthly self, whether for good or for bad, wants a tangible being to spend the rest of my life with. I can live a “good” life on my own, and have for the last few years, but I want that significant other in my life so that it will be “great.” The person you can’t wait to see or speak to. The person you want to share all of your profound life moments with. The person you know will always be there for you. I often wonder if that is not going to be part of my life. Maybe I want that too much. Maybe I don’t have it, because I am seeking it too earnestly. Maybe when I stop trying he will just appear. I do know that I am not willing to compromise who I am for anyone, and I don’t want second best. I want everything the Lord has planned for me. Maybe I need to stop “feeling” so much and just start “being.” Maybe in seeking someone I am actually losing myself and my faith along with it. With every rejection or failed relationship, I retreat more and more into myself. That was not the point of all of this! I was supposed to find someone to complement me, to make me shine brighter, not to be crushed in the process! I guess it just all boils down to a feeling that I can’t have what “everyone else” has. I know I am supposed to be “in the world but not of it” but I also know that the Lord made woman and said “it is not good for man to be alone,” well, it’s not good for woman to be alone either. So, in short, I am feeling more alone in this world the older I get. I never thought that age would be a factor or an obstacle, but I do want a family someday and I don’t want to end up too old to enjoy it, or to miss it entirely. I don’t know what my point in any of this is, but I am just feeling…

Thank You For Being My Friend

So, I’ve been struggling a little lately in my walk. I have been questioning my relationship with Jesus; and questioning not His faithfulness, but my own. I don’t question that He loves me more that I can fathom notwithstanding any sin I could commit or any good work I could perform. I have seen the miracles He has performed in my life, both great and small and know that they have no bearing on how good or bad I am. So, knowing these things and truly experiencing that love, that is unlike any other love I have ever experienced, I wonder why in recent months I just don’t seem to have the close relationship I once believed I had with Him. What has changed? As the Mercy Me song Bring the Rain says “How could circumstances possibly change who I forever am in [Him]?”

To answer these questions, I know I must ultimately seek His eternal wisdom; but in that search I began to think about the evolution of earthly relationships in my life. Truly, there should be no real comparison between my relationship with Jesus and those of my earthly friends and family; but I have begun to realize that perhaps I have distorted something here, and seen Jesus through a worldly filter rather than a spiritual one. In these earthly relationships I have examined, I have noticed a few patterns of behavior that are disturbing to say the least.

The most notable example I have is a recently ended friendship. This friend was once my best friend in the world. She was like a sister to me. We did everything together and were inseparable. We were there for each other in good times and bad, and truly enjoyed each other’s company, as any close friends should. We were friends, not because of what we did for each other, but just simply because we appreciated “who” the other was. We didn’t always agree with one another, but we helped and loved each other despite those differences. In the seven years of our friendship, things changed over time. In some ways we grew closer, and in others farther apart. The last year of our friendship became strained and ultimately unraveled when I moved to a new place further from her. Obviously, the move alone was not the sole catalyst for the demise of our friendship as a whole. There were more pressing and longer standing issues between us; as there might be in any close relationship that just were never overcome. I realize now, though, that the distance was the final straw, so to speak. The physical distance caused a breakdown in communication on both sides because it was no longer as easy as dropping by, running out to grab a quick meal together, or making any other last minute plans. We now had to “plan” to be friends. What a drag! We began to resent one another for lack of availability, or effort, or any other number of extenuating circumstances; and eventually just stopped communicating all together.

Communication – that word seems to be the key here. In the course of assessing this failed relationship I noted that there were some issues between us over time that were never resolved. Hmmm, forgiveness is another word that comes to mind here. Clearly there can be forgiveness without an apology, but I think a simple conversation - communication - might have ushered in that much needed forgiveness, and curtailed any building feelings of frustration. This lack of communication bread resentment on both sides and festered until there was an explosion that rocked the very foundation of our friendship.

So, how does that apply to my relationship with my Creator? Well, I have noticed that that as my work schedule has become more chaotic, and other things have “come up” in my life, that I may have grown a little distant from Him; and now that distance and lack of communication is starting to affect my relationship with Him. I still love Him, I know He has not changed, but maybe I have. Maybe I have actually put something between me and God; a distance. WOW! I don’t want to be far from Him! I don’t want anything to come between us! How could I have let this happen? What if I have treated my relationship with Him the way I treated my ended friendship? As History shows with my failed earthly friendship, I could actually end up not having a relationship with Him at all. That is frightening! The good news is, that like in the story of the prodigal son, I can always return to Him, and He will welcome me with open arms; very much unlike my dearly departed earthly friendship.

Thank you Jesus! Thank you for revealing to me what a slippery slope “life” can be. Thank you for communicating with me in a way I was unable to do with you. Thank you for forgiving me even before I asked for forgiveness. Thank you for being my friend.

Just when you think you've got it all worked out...

The ensuing blog is a re-post from my myspace page.

Original post date: Tuesday, March 27, 2007

As I grow in life in one area, I realize just how immature I was in not only in that area, but in all others. I attended a great women's meeting at church this weekend, and realized just how much I've grown in the last year, which was both scary and gratifying. It left me with both a sense of accomplishment and dread. I thought the the thought that is unthinkable, "what if?" What if I had not come to the realization a year ago that my life was headed toward a dead end? What if I had not done a 180 degree turn and gotten "back" on track? What if I fall? What if I soar? What if I'm still not where I think I am? What if I am? What if I God's plan is more extreem than I thought? What if it isn't? What if I choke? What if I don't? What if I don't hear his voice clearly? What if I do? Can I live up to all that I am meant to be? The answer my friends is no. Not through my own strength. Not alone. Not without Him and all of those who pick me up, dust me off, and slap me if I need it. I WILL NOT GO BACK!!!! I WILL NOT SECOND GUESS!!!! For what I learned is that I am truely LOVED! That thing I've been seeking that was so elusive was always there. It was right in front of me and inside of me. I only had to shut up and listen. I only had to say "yes" instead on "no." I only had to keep moving forward, not back. I only had to listen to the glorious truth instead of the evil lies. I only had to believe it and it was mine. Now, nothing else matters. That doesn't mean that I don't have to hit the refresh and delete buttons in my head every morning just to keep on going. I know now that life is a journey with no destination. Hopefully the scenery keeps getting better and I don't make a wrong turn and keep roundabout. I know I have to focus my gaze upward and let Him lead. I know that if I focus only on my desires that I will end up with nothing comparatively because the true plan for my life is greater than I can fathom! So I laid it all down. All of the pain, all of the self-doubt, all of the evil thoughts, all of the hatred, all of the guilt, all of the pride, all of the glory, all of the ideals, all of the lies, and all of the regrets. He picked me up, dusted me off, and slapped me! I now see more clearly! I am a LOVED!!!

A new beginning!!!!

The ensuing blog is a re-post from my myspace page.

Original post date: Saturday, November 03, 2007

Ok, so most of you who know me, know that I've stuggled with my weight for 20 years. In the last few months I have very clearly heard the Lord prompting me to work on it and to let go. If you know me, you also know I'm a bit of a control freak, and the letting go is the hardest part. I've been deep in prayer on this for months. Every service, ever time I have quiet time in the word, every spiritual conversation, every conversation period, seems to be leading me back to this one BIG question: "What's holding you back?" The answer is FEAR. Fear of the unknown. In rescent study I have confirmed that fear is not from God, and should be pushed aside for a Godly emotion, that of HOPE. The easy answer for my need for change in this area is I HATE BEIGN FAT!!! There I said it. I'm not happy with the way I look, or feel, and I know that if something doesn't change, I will never be happy and will probably have horrible medical problems as a result of my weight. The more important part of this need for change is that I know I'm not living as the woman God intended me to be. There as aspects of my personality and talents I have never even explored all because I didn't believe that as the "fat girl" I could succeed. Until about 2 years ago I was miserable in my entire life, not just this area, and reconnecting with the Lord solved most of those issues, but I've still been holding on to this. Its the area of my life I'm most ashamed of, that most grieves me, and honestly, that most affects me. I have discussed pieces of my struggle with most of my friends, and have prayed to have this weight literally lifted fom my shoulders, and once while sitting in church during a service I clearly heard the Lord say "LET IT GO." I still held on, but my grip has gotten looser, every day since. A close friend turned me on to a radical medical weight loss program which I checked out. I found that at this point in time, it is not for me. I was momentarilly discouraged, but didn't give up. So, what's the answer? Weight Watchers. I did it before and lost more than 40 lbs, so I thought, why not. Why will it be different this time? Because this time I have the Lord on my side! The stakes are much higher because it is not just for a superficial reason that I make this change. I am burying my spiritual light under all of this flesh! YUCK! So, today was the first day of the rest of my life as the woman GOD says I am! Its not about being thin, getting a man, or pleasing the world with my appearance. Its about becoming who GOD says I am. As a thinner more healthy me, I will have the confidence to say and do what the Lord prompts me to. I will realize certain things in my life that I hadn't expereinced before because my size heald me back. Most importantly, I will have a testimony that cannot be denied! A reason to shout His praises for all the world to hear and see! Hallelujah! Praise be to the Lord! I am FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Amen!

Manna from Heaven

The ensuing blog is a re-post from my myspace page.

Original post date: November 25, 2007

Before I go on with the ensuing message, I just wanted to give a progress and praise report on my weight loss to date: 11.8 pounds, not to mention the other 15 lbs that were miraculously not there on my initial weigh in date. Thanks to everyone for your love and support, and for listening to my rants early on about "how hard this is." Remember this last statement, it relates to the following message.

Ok, so today is Sunday, a "regular church" day. As usual I make it to choir practice and we go through the usual "routine" of practice and then we got up and did the "real" thing. It was just "another Sunday" so far, but I love what we sang today and it was powerful. I have now forgotten the 1st song, as I am prone to do, but then we did a medley of Enemy's Camp/Can You Believe What The Lord Has Done Fore Me/Look What The Lord Has Done, a great version of Our God Is An Awesome God, and finally, "Blessings Glory And Honor." These may not even be the "real" names for these songs, and you may not know them, but if you can find them, listen to them, they are great. There are days when I admit, I can just go through the motions of praise. I regret that, and repent of it, but it's true, I do it, and I'm sure a lot of us do. This is a prelude, in case you're wondering where I'm going with this. So, today worship was AWESOME and was not a "usual Sunday," then we have the message.

I expected the "usual" meaty message (do you see the theme here?) I feel blessed that God is speaking to us through our pastor, and is so able to articulate to us, on a regular basis, in love, where we are and where we need to go from here. There are times, just as in praise and worship, that I can take these messages for granted. They are always good so why should I expect any more or less? I guess I just have an absence of expectancy, rather than low or high expectations. I'm not sure that that's a good approach which is partially why I think today's message really hit home for me.

He went several places, here's the list, take a look at these before reading on so you can understand the fullness of the message (also Pastor's messages are always downloadable at newlifechurch.net) : Romans 8:35-39, Numbers 11(whole chapter), with a preface of a synopsis of the promises God gave to Abraham about being the father of many nations and the Israelites' trials as slaves in Egypt, Deuteronomy 8:3, and Isaiah 59:1-2. His main point was regarding the story of when the Israelites were in the wilderness, had been given manna from heaven, but still complained that they wanted meat and that they might even have felt that they were better off as slaves in Egypt than in their current situation and then God gave them the meat they asked for, but it was rotten and killed many. The point is, to tie all of this together, is that our God is a loving father who wants only the best for us, and NOTHING can separate us from Him, EXCEPT sin!

WOW!!! That's both encouraging and disillusioning. So, you mean to tell me that even the DEVIL can't get between me and God, but my sin can separate me from God like an eclipse separates the earth from the light of the sun! (Pastor's analogy, not mine, but it's good, huh?) Well, the encouraging part is that we can truly live in the promise that Jesus' death saved us from the grasp of the enemy, that's great news. What frightened me was that by putting anything in our lives above God, and sinning, and complaining about what we have or don't have now, that we are making it so God CANNOT hear us! Scary! I don't want to be separated from Him! No more running or complaining from me! I know God CAN and WILL do all that I NEED! It may not be what I ask for, or the way I want it, or in my time frame, but as long as I seek HIM first with the RIGHT heart, I know He wants to bless me and can do everything exceedingly greater that all I can hope or imagine (paraphrased Ephesians 3:20-21).

Back to what I said in the beginning about "how hard this weight loss thing is," imagine the alternative. For that matter, imagine the alternative for all the times I complain about what I "don't have" or what I "used to have." How quickly I forget that I was lost in the wilderness, and HE FED ME! Not just real food, but EVERYTHING I needed. From now on, every time I think back to a time in my life when I THINK I had it "better" I will remember this message - no rotten quail for me please! I am thankful for my manna from heaven! Powerful stuff! Food for thought. Blessings!

Peace. Finally. Freedom.

Ok, here I sit, on a Monday night, in my living room after work. Is today a special day? No. Do I have special plans? No. So what’s different about this Monday from any other Monday? The answer: PEACE. I have peace in my spirit on this Monday night. I don’t have the desire to jump up and make something happen. I don’t have the need to be entertained or to entertain. I don’t have the need to call everyone I know to vent. I don’t have the need to save someone today. I don’t have the need to eat everything in the refrigerator and then head to the closest fast-food establishment and order the worst thing on the menu. I don’t need to cry, or scream, or laugh, or sing, or anything. I am still. “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) Yes, as I sit here, this Monday night, on my sofa, I can just be still. The old anxiety, the nervous energy that once caused me to pinball from activity to activity so that I didn’t drown in the all-consuming thoughts in my head is now at rest. Do I still have moments when the anxiety returns? ABSOLUTELY! It never completely goes away. The last two weeks, for example, were like a return to my not-so-distant past wherein every moment must be filed with some important activity. I had things that required my attention. Talk about self-imposed pressure!

To truly appreciate the profundity of this peace, you would have to know that I lived my entire life B.C. like I lived the last two weeks. And yes, in this instance, B.C. stands for “Before Christ.” My life was an avalanche of needs; the needs of others. I spent so much time caring about the needs of others; that I never stopped to examine my own needs. Gee, I sound like Mother Theresa here. No, I was NOT Mother Theresa; far from it, actually. You see, my identity was so wrapped up in meeting what I perceived the needs of others to be, and how meeting those needs reflected on who I was; that I never really cared for myself, for my true needs, or knew who I was outside of meeting the needs of others. I thought that by helping others I was a better person. Hardly. I just lamented the fact that I had to care for everyone, and that no one cared for me. By using phrases like, “I’m the only adult around here.” And, “everyone who was ever supposed to love me left me” I encased my heart in a stone prison. It’s a case of self-actualization. I thought it was this way, so it was this way. Over time, I took on the adult role in my relationships; with family and friends. I pushed people away who might have otherwise cared for me. I isolated myself and played the martyr. Was all of this some intentional plea for attention? No, I truly had no idea I was doing it. I had no idea that I was distracting myself with the needs of others so I wouldn’t focus on my own hurt.

No idea, until I had a “come to Jesus” moment, literally. I began attending church with a former co-worker in an attempt to get her off of my back, so to speak, after much persistence on her part. I attended several services, and knew there was something different about this church. One Wednesday evening, I was sitting with a friend of hers whom I didn’t know all that well, and we had a guest speaker, who spoke on the Father’s Love. That was a foreign concept to me. I knew God loved me, but I had never thought of God as my Father before. I knew He was Jesus’ Father, and the Father of Creation, but not my personal Father. You see, my grandparents raised me and my grandfather was as close to a dad as I had ever really known and he had just passed away two months before. I was lost. He began to speak of how God adopts us into His home, and how we become joint heirs with Jesus of the kingdom. The altar call came, and though I felt that I was already saved, I knew I needed to go up and re-dedicate myself, as it were, to my Creator; whom I now KNEW was my Father. My new friend and I sat and talked afterward and she began to pour her heart out to me about her relationship with her father and I was so profoundly touched. I so connected with this person whom I barely knew, on a level that was not of flesh or bone, but of the Spirit. I knew that though our experiences were not identical, they had the same foundation. We felt alone. We felt abandoned. We felt that those who were supposed to care for us had not lived up to their obligation. But there was hope there. The hope that comes from knowing that there is One who will never leave us nor forsake us.(Hebrews 13:05) There is One who is all things to us. That was the beginning of my peace.

From that day on, I knew I would never be the same. I knew that things MUST change; it was a breaking in my spirit; in my heart. The stone prison began to crumble, and in that connection with this relative stranger, I knew my life had truly begun. I knew that all things would be made new; that I was reborn. I had a deep desire to change behaviors and situations in my life that were not working. Over the course of the next two years, I would become who I am today; still flawed and imperfect; but peaceful. The needs are almost all but gone now. When they resurface, the turnaround time between when I slip back into that old comfortable prison and when I again break out into freedom gets shorter and shorter. The newest record is two weeks.

That’s right; it was two weeks ago on Friday that I began to search for ways to throw my freedom away. You see, I now know that the freedom is mine to lose. I no longer have to search for freedom with all my might, or hold on to it by the skin of my teeth. In order to shake that freedom, I have to try to get rid of it. Why would one do that? Because in the bondage, I felt some level of control. When I feel that I am out of control, I tend to grasp at those straws, and focus on the things I can fix, the needs to be met. I threw myself into the volunteer project I was working on; coming to the rescue as always while ignoring spiritual obligations. I ministered to the spiritual needs on my new beau; all the while sacrificing a few of my own morals along the way. I ran to the aid of a family member in financial and emotional crisis; and served only to get myself further in debt both monetarily and emotionally. I felt like I was drowning again. Why was all of this happening to me? Why was I being punished? Why can’t I have a normal life? Don’t I deserve that? Haven’t I earned that with my sacrifices of the past two years? A voice said, “ENOUGH.” Enough self-pity and self-loathing. Enough martyrdom. Come to Jesus! No, really! Where was my peace in all of this? Nowhere to be found. Why? Because Jesus wasn’t in it.

Friday night we had a prayer and worship service at church. I wanted to be anywhere but there; so I knew I must go. That’s how it works for me. About an hour and a half in, the pastor read Jude 1:16 which spoke of grumblers and complainers who do so because they are focused on their own will and not that of God. The message to me was that I had been grumbling because I was following my own path, and to no surprise, nothing was working out the way I had planned. I was yet again in a prison of my own design. I took on these tasks instead of giving them to the Lord, and look what a mess I had made! Where was my peace? Dashed. I was left cold and alone. And then the light of this scripture shone on me, and I felt this wave of peace, joy, hope, and comfort wash over me. I knew it would now be okay. I could again accept my freedom; freely given by my Savior who had paid a price on the cross I can never fathom. All of this because my Father in Heaven loves me, and all of us, enough to allow His only Son to die on the cross as a blood offering for each one of my sins (Romans 5:1-11); for each time that I said “mine”; for each time that I tried to meet the needs of others; for each time that I cried out in loneliness. He was there to set me free and grant me the peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). How could I have even thought of my sacrifices in light of this? I have sacrificed nothing and gained everything! I only had to let go. Strange how all the time I thought I was free following my path I was imprisoned, and all the time the world would say I was imprisoned by faith I was free.

So, here I sit; still and at peace. Peace. Finally. Freedom.