Feelings...

It’s been a long time since my last post. I’ve had a lot of bumps along this road of life since my last entry, but as with all other things in my life, even the trials can ultimately be edifying. Where to begin? Well, in the last several months I’ve been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. There have been good days and bad; affected by work, family, friends, health, finances, relationships; you name it, I’ve probably thought it and then felt it. Feelings: I think that’s more than just a catchy song title. I notice more and more that, at times, I live my life based on them. Do I do so to the point of foregoing all rationality or even faith? Maybe sometimes; maybe even often. I consider myself a mostly rational and faithful person. I am human, and therefore vastly flawed, but overall, I don’t think I live by the seat of my pants or go whichever way the wind is blowing. Quite the contrary; by nature I am a “planner.” This is my new revelation, that I am not a “control freak,” but a “planner.” Maybe this is just a more politically correct word I use to allow myself some compulsion, I’m not entirely sure. I do know that I don’t want to control others, at least not most of the time. J I mean, we all have our moments in which we want someone to “behave” by the shear force of our own will, but for me it rarely goes beyond that. I feel no desire to manipulate or cajole others into conforming to meet my needs. But I find that there are times that I feel that if I didn’t “shout” no one would ever “hear” me. Maybe this is because everyone is wrapped up in their own world, much as I am in mine, but something tells me that it’s not because of the selfishness of others that my “needs” are not met, but because there is something fundamentally lacking within me. Something that does not allow me to be “heard” in a meaningful way. Something that does not allow others in; does not allow them to know me as I want to be known. I have a deep longing to be understood by others; everyone really, but I have to confess that lately it just relates to that “special someone.” I recently turned 26, and though this is by no means old, I am experiencing a growing discomfort with where I am in my life. What I have accomplished and not. Where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Where others are or were at this point in their lives. Where have I been, where am I going? Am I on the right path? Did I take a devastatingly wrong turn somewhere? Why am I so uneasy? Truly, I have nothing monumental to complain about. I have a good job, loving family and friends, a roof over my head and food in my stomach; so why do I “feel” that something is missing? I used to have a more intense discomfort, before I renewed my relationship with the Lord, and I must confess that at times I feel that I am just going through the motions with Him, which is not a good place to be. Maybe this is the whole source of my discomfort. Maybe I am looking in earthly realms for something to satiate a purely spiritual need. I “know” that all I really “need” is Him, and that He’s all I should want, but my earthly self, whether for good or for bad, wants a tangible being to spend the rest of my life with. I can live a “good” life on my own, and have for the last few years, but I want that significant other in my life so that it will be “great.” The person you can’t wait to see or speak to. The person you want to share all of your profound life moments with. The person you know will always be there for you. I often wonder if that is not going to be part of my life. Maybe I want that too much. Maybe I don’t have it, because I am seeking it too earnestly. Maybe when I stop trying he will just appear. I do know that I am not willing to compromise who I am for anyone, and I don’t want second best. I want everything the Lord has planned for me. Maybe I need to stop “feeling” so much and just start “being.” Maybe in seeking someone I am actually losing myself and my faith along with it. With every rejection or failed relationship, I retreat more and more into myself. That was not the point of all of this! I was supposed to find someone to complement me, to make me shine brighter, not to be crushed in the process! I guess it just all boils down to a feeling that I can’t have what “everyone else” has. I know I am supposed to be “in the world but not of it” but I also know that the Lord made woman and said “it is not good for man to be alone,” well, it’s not good for woman to be alone either. So, in short, I am feeling more alone in this world the older I get. I never thought that age would be a factor or an obstacle, but I do want a family someday and I don’t want to end up too old to enjoy it, or to miss it entirely. I don’t know what my point in any of this is, but I am just feeling…